books
Authors A-H, Books

The genius of Oscar and Frank – by Terry Howard

Sorry to disappoint readers – well, maybe some readers anyway – but today’s narrative is not about Tiger Wood’s “driving” (ahem, Land Rovers, not golf balls) skills, Pam Bondi’s firing, the war in Iran, or the Epstein files. It is about my lifelong infatuation with language and how it manifests itself in common types of prose used to educate, criticize, hyperbolize, or just annoy. 

First, today’s narrative is somewhat of a comic relief, a timely breather from the messy world we find ourselves in today where there’s not a single day that goes by without a “are you kidding me” head-scratcher. 

Second, it’s written to provide you with some nifty one-liners and comebacks for dealing with those irritating people in your life that make you cuss under your breath, roll your eyes and make a beeline to the nearest exist. You may want to pause and jot down the names of those who immediately come to mind. For some a single page will do; for others you may need a binder. 

You see, a while ago I was rummaging through a box of old books searching for one published a dozen years ago about which I’d recently agreed to write its sequel when I happened across one I’d completely forgotten that I had in my possession. That book, “I wish I’d said that! The greatest one-liners, comebacks, put-owns, epitaphs, quips, showstoppers, & wisecracks of all times,” was published by Nick Harris in 1984. 

Oh well, so much for my search for the other book because I couldn’t put the Harris book down. In fact, by the end of the next day, I plowed through all yellowed around the 160 pages of the book while chuckling or laughing out loud at quip after quip, one-liner after one-liner (while my wife poked her head in the door occasionally to make sure that I was alright and not in need of medical attention.) 

To give you the book’s flavor, here’s one by Sydney Smith who was exasperated by Lord Macaulay, who had a chronic habit of being a non-stop talker. Said this about Macaulay; “He has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversations perfectly delightful.” Humm, does that one ring a familiar bell with non-stop talkers you know?

Now although I could very easily tantalize the reader with other side-splitting quips from the book, I figured that with the limits of time and space, I’d cherry pick a few by poet Oscar Wilde then augment them with the writing style and substance of columnist Frank Bruni. But in all fairness to them both gentlemen, this narrative will be a bit more about Bruni and less about Wilde for what should be a perfectly understandable reason; Wilde is long dead and while Bruni – the gift that keeps on giving if ever there’s one – is alive and has recurring brilliant work from which to draw from. 

Oh yes, and for what it’s worth, Wilde was, and Bruni is, a gay man although their acceptance in society during their times is dramatically different; Wilde was convicted and spent time in prison for his homosexuality whereas Bruni lives over a century later as an openly gay man. 

Oscar Wilde  I’ll begin with Wilde, an Irish author, poet and playwright who became one of the most popular and influential dramatists in London in the early 1890s and is regarded by many as the greatest playwright of the Victorian era best known for his Gothic novel The Picture of Dorian Gray. Known for his biting wit, flamboyant dress and glittering conversational skill, Wilde became one of the best-known personalities of his day. Muffled chuckles turn to outright laughs when one reads his quotes, particularly those that conjure up and align with experiences with and images of someone you know.

If Oscar Wilde lived with us today – and Lord knows that I sure wish he was – he’d have access to a salivating list of politicians and public figures to be on the receiving end from his trove of bards and witticism. But even in death, Wilde’s quotes and quips resonate and remain applicable today. Take these for example: 

  • “There’s only one thing in life that’s worse than being talked about and that’s not being talked about.”
  • “The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he always gives himself for doing them.”
  • “Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.”
  • “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
  • “True friends stab you in the front.”

Bruni  Turning now to Frank Bruni.

Admittedly, I’m a huge fan of columnist and college English professor Frank Bruni. Brilliant is the word that keeps repeating itself whenever I read a Bruni column, each one several times to be honest. The “syntax matador” that he is, Bruni’s mastery of a sentence has a way of pirouetting just out of the way while plunging lance after lance into the humped back of a charging bull of contemporary political outrageousness and hypocrisy leaving the “bull” (can I say “BS”) destined for a one-way trip to the nearest butcher shop and next steak dinner.

While we both share a love for the English language, Bruni’s creative use – and sometimes cutting weaponization – of the language leaves one often reaching for a nearby dictionary, high fiving the air and salivating for more. 

With retreats into acts of homophobia, sexism, racism, or any other isms these days, high profile figures risk being called out by Bruni at the mercy of his keyboard penmanship. Vintage Bruni, his recent, “Donald Trump’s middle finger,” and Attorney General Bondi’s humiliating performance in front of a federal committee are masterpieces in truth about the current state of our fractured trainwreck of a nation. 

In my opinion, Frank Bruni ranks with the best, among them novelists James Baldwin, Mark Twain and Pulitzer Prize winning columnists Maureen Dowd and Leonard Pitts, Jr., as the best in courageous prose. Add satirist Andy Borowitz to the mix, omigod. With collection of talented writers the reader is strongly advised to have a thesaurus within easy reach because you just may need one.

Now as a connoisseur of awesome quotes, I’ll leave you with one of my all-time favorites – “Don’t let the door hit you,” a tongue-in-cheek way of telling someone to leave quickly, implying that they’re unwelcome (often with the addition “where the good Lord split you,” in their backside.) 

Oh, oh, I guess the last quote applies to yours truly!….. Ouch!

 

graphic by patrick-tomasso-Oaqk7qqNh_c-unsplash

Terry Howard
Latest posts by Terry Howard (see all)