I live in New Mexico—a liberal state where people respect each other’s gender identity. It is also a state where everyone, including the members of TNG (transgender, non-binary and gender-diverse) community enjoy the privilege of publicly sharing their preferred gender pronoun or personal gender pronoun (PGP). At any given professional meetings, it is a common practice that people would introduce themselves followed by their PGP. I, on the other hand, rarely mentioned my PGP. I am not a member of the TNG community. At the same time, I do not see the need to announce my PGP. To me, my gender is no one’s business. If I want others to know my gender, I will introduce myself as such and let others know. As for addressing others, I will respectfully ask when unsure and honor their individuality and dignity.
Once, I misgendered a colleague in front of another colleague who corrected me. I apologized to the colleague that corrected me. A few months later, I misgendered the same colleague again. Another colleague corrected me. Both times, the person I misgendered was not present. As a courtesy, I sent an apology email to the person that I misgendered but received no acknowledgment.
The colleague that I misgendered and I work in the same department, but in different locations. In fact, we rarely see each other. We don’t interact, not even hold work-related conversation. Furthermore, I had no idea that the colleague is a trans-gendered individual. Yet, I was told it was my fault that I misgendered this colleague. I apologized both times and put the incidents behind me.
Interestingly, Harvard Medical School says it is a big deal when we misgender others. The article argues that it is exhausting to the person that is being misgendered because being misgendered is their daily encounter. In fact, it happens multiple times in any one day. The article also argues that we ought to be that person’s ally, whether we are a member of the TNG community. This means we stand up to the person’s defense and correct others when they misgender someone. Not only does the article advocate for the individuals that are being misgendered, but also puts the responsibility squarely on the speaker that they should not inappropriately address TNG individuals.
I hold a different position. Let’s say, person A misgenders person B in their absence. Person C who is present at the misgendering incident corrects person A. Person A apologizes to person C. Person C then tells person B that person A misgenders person B. Person B does not like being misgendered, yet does not bring up the misgendering incident to person A. As time goes by, person A tries to be mindful, unfortunately misgenders person B again. Many would argue that this is clearly person A’s fault because person A was informed person B’s PGP. I agree, but also argue that person B is equally responsible for person A’s misgendering to continue. If person B prefers to be addressed by their PGP, it is essential that person B asserts their PGP when the misgendering occurs in their presence. Accordingly, it is equally important that person B expresses their concern to the individual that misgenders them. The dialog serves several purposes. First of all, it gives person A an opportunity to personally apologize to person C. More importantly, it is empowering for person B to assert their PGP, while the dialog also serves as a practice for person B to stand up for themselves. In the long run, person B cannot depend on others to continuously defend them.
What about person C’s responsibility? It is admirable for person C to speak up for person B and clarify their PGP on their behalf to person A. However, when person C tells person B of person A’s misgendering, it does not help in building an inclusive and cohesive workplace, On the contrary, it creates a drift between persons A and B.
A parallel situation happened to me once. Someone simply assigned me a gender without asking me. In that situation, I was new to the office and my first assignment was working on a PowerPoint slide with several other coworkers. Lo and behold—I saw “(she, her)” next to my name on the first slide. Needless to say, I was more than annoyed and felt disrespected. It was an occasion when I related to members of the TNG community, even though I am not part of them. After I expressed my annoyance, no one apologized, and the pronouns stayed on the slide. Until today, I still do not know who assigned me a PGP. Since I was new to the office, I did not say anything. After that incident, I inserted my PGP in Chinese next to my name in my email signature as Chinese is my native language. The PGP reads like this—ta, a gender-neutral pronoun in Chinese. Interestingly, no one has ever used “ta” while referring to me, not in my presence or otherwise. What happened to my PGP? Similar to a member of the TNG community, am I entitled to be addressed with my PGP? Is this a big deal? I would say yes.
A similar situation, but in a different context, occurs rather frequently to immigrants in the US, especially those that come from a country where one’s family name or last name precedes their first name. As a Chinese immigrant, my Chinese name is So Wai Yin. Yet I was often called Ms. Yin instead of Ms. So or So instead of Wai Yin. Every now and then, someone would even poke fun at my last name. Is it a big deal? Of course it is. I do not like others to poke fun at my name, especially my family name. No one does. Is it others’ responsibility to address me correctly. Yes. However, it is also my responsibility to correct them. I have lived in the US since 1982. It is exhausting to keep correcting others whenever my family name is mistaken as my first name. Being an immigrant, I learn to adjust and adapt. I now introduce myself as Wai-Yin So. With few allies, I also learn to ask others to not make fun of my family name.
Returning to the misgendering incident. I recognize it is a big deal to not address others inappropriately. After all, it is our identity. At the same time, I humbly ask members of the TNG community and their allies to give grace to those that misgender you. I admire the courage you take while transitioning out. I feel for the daily emotional and sometimes demeaning encounters you experience. I call for more allies for you and your community members, so you have a safe space just to be yourselves. Yes. I think I understand how you feel disfranchised, insecure and even unsafe, particularly if you live in a conservative state where many of you are blatantly demeaned or even ostracized.
A most recent incident occurred in Washington DC where Nancy Mace, a house representative from South Carolina, introduced a bathroom ban legislation inside the Capital restricting transgender individuals from using bathrooms or locker rooms on federal property that do not correspond with the sex they were assigned at birth. I ask that you be patient with those of us who do not support Nancy Mace’s action or philosophy.
Some of us are still learning about your community. Please also remember that many of us are now more cognizant and mindful of your social identity. We all make mistakes especially living in a time when culture changes faster than we can adapt to. The misgendering is not intentional. We know we need to practice more until we get the pronoun right. We pledge to continue practicing, so we will address you by your preferred gender pronouns. When we stumble and call you by the inappropriate pronoun, we ask that you be a little more patient and forgiving. We are trying because we respect you!
Photo by Jordan McDonald on Unsplash
Before moving to New Mexico, Julia worked for the Dallas College in Texas where she successfully expanded a $30-million privately-funded endowed scholarship program county-wide. She is a past President of the Texas Diversity Council and a past board chair of the Asian Chamber of Texas.
Julia’s passion is to raise one’s cultural competence of those that look and speak differently from them. In her free time, she volunteers at the Bernalillo Metropolitan County Court as a certified mediator and answers the crisis/suicide hotline for a local crisis center.
- Misgendering: Is It a Big Deal? – by Julia Wai-Yin So - March 1, 2025
- TRENDS 2025: Inclusive Excellence – by Julia Wai-Yin So - January 13, 2025
- The Effects of SCOTUS Decision on One University – by Dr. Julia Wai-Yin So - January 4, 2024