Hey fellas, it’s me, your humble columnist.
I decided to send you a letter and gift you with a mirror to gaze at as you read this narrative. You see, the gift of self-reflection (and mirrors) are the greatest gifts you can give yourself if, taken together, they lead to positive change on your part and on that of others.
But first, I’ll ask you how’s everything in the bar, the locker room or on the golf course while you’re “shooting the breeze” with the boys? Lots of talk about sports, national politics, your trip to Europe and, eh, I’m guessing, the opposite sex, huh?
Me? Well, I live a rather humdrum life, one not found in bars, locker rooms or on golf courses, the places where you guys hang out. But I do a lot of reading , watch old episodes of Columbo and Kojak, attend local high school football and basketball games, do a little fishing and write opinion columns. But admittedly I’m rather amateurish at the latter two pastimes.
Now although I have a shared interest with you guys in sports and politics, have you been paying attention to some of the front-page headlines pertaining to domestic violence lately – this one for example … “Police: Man threatens to shoot girlfriend, hits her with a gun.” Yes? No?
Regretfully that one is just the tip of the iceberg.
But my interest this time guys is having a conversation with you about domestic violence. Sure, statistics show that men too are victims of domestic violence, but those same statistics, if they’re worth a grain of salt, will indicate that women are the primary victims. Fact check me if you desire. Go ahead, we’ll wait.
Okay, now I want you to retrieve the mirror from the package I sent you with this letter and place it nearby facing you as you continue reading this piece. I’ll prompt you when to stop reading and peer at the man in your mirror.
Got it?
Now, before we get started, your legitimate question may be why on earth am I broaching the issue of domestic violence when there are a lot more critical issues facing us; the World series, wars, tariffs, Putin, Artificial Intelligence, government shutdowns, layoffs, skyrocketing grocery and medical costs, etc., etc., etc.? Good question.
Well, guys, to put this into perspective let me tell you about how reactions to my recent column, “Toni, what else could I have done?” which addressed the reality of domestic violence and the headline above ruined my weekend. Yes, I shouldn’t have been surprised that the piece on “Toni” would strike a raw nerve with readers, primarily women, many of who’ve had first-hand experience with domestic violence. Here are two of several:
Said one: “Terry I remember the excellent panel discussion on domestic violence you designed and facilitated in our organization years ago prompted by my telling you about how my late husband beat me viciously before burning our house down when he figured that he could no longer control me. As you know although he didn’t, I somehow survived the fire but will never forget the years of physical and emotional abuse I took from him.”
Said another, “Although your recent column was spot on, as a victim of my partner’s emotional abuse, I was disappointed that you failed to point out that domestic violence is not just physical, but in ways that are emotional in nature. To me that lets abusers off the hook thinking, “look, I don’t’ hit her, so how can I be accused of domestic violence.”
My bad. She was right. What I should have written was that domestic violence can be physical as we know but can also be sexual, emotional, economic, psychological actions or threats of action or other patterns of coercive behavior. So, I’ll eat crow and correct my mistake with the following short list of nonvisible domestic violence:
(Mirror time guys).
Isolation. Isolating victims from family and friends. They may control who their partner can see, speak to, or spend time with, creating a sense of dependency and helplessness.
Verbal Abuse. Constant criticism, insults, and demeaning language that erode self-esteem and confidence.
Controlling. Exerting control over every aspect of their partner’s life, including finances, daily routines and decision-making.
Blaming. Shifting blame onto the victim and making excuses for their behavior or minimizing its seriousness.
Downplaying: Ignoring and minimizing the victim’s goal and accomplishments.
Now tell me “Mark,” “Jose,” “Zhang,” “Amir” and “Timmy,” did you see any evidence of yourself in any of those definitions?
Hey, don’t be mad at me. Look to be honest, I’m not perfect and looked at those definitions next to my face in mirror and did some “oh my, do I sometimes do that ” soul searching. My point is that no one has a monopoly on responsibility, guilt or, in this case, recidivism back to bad behaviors.
Moving on, I don’t think that we can honestly deal with the issue of domestic violence without mentioning the misogyny in music defined as lyrics, videos, or other components that encourage, glorify, justify, or legitimize the objectification, exploitation, or victimization of women. It depicts women as objects for men to own, use, and abuse and reduces women to expendable beings.
Okay guys, if I haven’t scared you off, let’s take a step back to my mention of national politics and sports and my attempted correlation between the two and domestic violence.
Starting with politics, if the leader of the free world bragged about grabbing women by their private parts, will the next place for those hands land upside a victim’s head, or worse? In the aftermath of that unbelievably flippant remark by a president, is it safe to conclude that spikes in domestic violence occurred across the country? Both questions that answer themselves.
Next, in sports, and more to the point, the culture of sports, why is it that we’re quick to cite, for example, the NFL’s Jim Brown, O. J. Simpson, Ben Roethlisberger as Hall of Famers while rarely if ever mentioning them in the same breath as pathological abusers of women? C’mon my football addicted brothers, perhaps I missed the memo, so can you help me understand the psychological makeup of these three “greats”?
(Mirror time brothers).
Now let me ask you these questions: when you’re out on the golf course or in the bar with your buddies, what words come out of their mouths that may be a clue that they may be domestic abusers? What would a hidden camera show that you did, or not do, in response?
More questions for you to chew on: How do some of your buddies treat their partners in public? If you happened to know them as a couple, have you witnessed any abnormal changes in their behaviors when they’re seen together? Has she recently been seen wearing dark sunglasses or an excessive amount of makeup? Does she constantly check in with their partner or rarely has money on hand? Does she wear clothes that don’t fit the season, like long sleeves in summer to cover bruises?
In the end guys, this piece is to pull your coattails so that you’re nudged to pull the coattails of your buddies at the bar, in the locker room, on the golf course, at your place of worship, or somewhere else in your life.
(Mirror time fellas).
Okay, gotta sign off now. Oh, yes, before I forget, feel free to keep that mirror I sent you as a holiday gift for two reasons: first, because upticks in domestic violence typically occur during the holidays and second, because occasional reminders can’t hurt…and may even save a life or two!
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
- Domestic Violence and the man in the mirror – by Terry Howard - November 5, 2025
- “Toni,” what else could I have done? – by Terry Howard - November 1, 2025
- The little known life of Willis Carter – by Terry Howard - October 7, 2025