Dialogue, derived from the Greek dia logus, meaning “through words and reason,” is a unique communication skill driven by genuine curiosity, and aligned with understanding. Dialogue seeks insights. Dialogue listens closely and asks: What are they saying? Why are they saying that? What are they thinking? What can I learn? What is true? What is the insight?

Dialogue relies on many of the skills discussed in earlier posts. These include:

• Being impeccable with your word so we understand what you are thinking.
• Trustworthiness is essential to allow vulnerabilities to be exposed and explored.
• Civility allows dialogue to proceed using candor and sound arguments without any fear of intimidation or violence. Dialogue is easily spooked by fears.
• Consistency provides the stability to explore the basis for beliefs and opinions expressed during the dialogue.

In every communication there are two messages, one about the semantics of the discussion, the other about the relationship of the participants. What do you notice when you pay attention to the power dynamics of a conversation? If various forms of power are being used to win an argument, then dominance is given priority over curiosity and understanding. Dialogue is dancing, not wrestling. It is listening, not pontificating. Dialogue emerges from doubt, not certainty. 

The goal of an argument or a debate is to win, to take ground, and to prevail over your opponent. Debates are power based. In contrast, the goal of a dialogue is to gain insight. Dialogue partners respect each other as intellectual peers who are thinking together to uncover, discover, or rediscover viewpoints, experiences, truths, and insights.

Because dialogue partners act as authentic peers working together toward a shared understanding, influence and power disparities no longer clash, but are aligned toward shared observation, perception, reason, and insight. Candor unleashes deeper discernment. We align with our humanity on a level playing field despite status differences. This liberation from traditional power structures allows ideas to flow freely. Inquiry is allowed to align with advocacy. My curiosity and ideas become aligned with yours as we enjoy learning through new insights together. We become coherent.

Dialogue can be used to improve problem solving even within a traditional power-based hierarchy. Before each US Air Force flight takes off, one of the pilots is assigned the role of Aircraft Commander. When critical decisions need to be made quickly to ensure the safety of the crew and completion of the mission, the Aircraft Commander asks for advice from each crew member and other informative professionals as time permits, relies on her own training and experience, and then makes the decision. The process is inclusive because each crew member needs to contribute ideas, opinions, and suggestions, however because the final decision is made by the Aircraft Commander, the commander acts autonomously. Similar use of dialogue can allow corporate executives to learn from the direct experiences of junior-level workers. 

Unfortunately, examples of skillful dialogue are rare, however, a few instructive examples stand out. Musician Daryl Davis uses dialogue to improve race relations by seeking out, engaging in dialogue with, and befriending members of the Ku Klux Klan.

In a fictional, yet powerful example, the film 12 Angry Men illustrates effective use of dialogue techniques by juror number 8 to sustain inquiry, increase understanding, seek the truth, attain insights, and finally acquit an innocent man.

While the initial certainty and rebuttal expressed in debate often leads to enduring doubts; dialogue can transform those doubts into enduring certainty. To increase your level of insight within yourself, your community, and your world, learn the art of dialogue and transform communication from a contest into a collaborative search for truth.

[Connecting through dialogue. Image credit, ChatGPT]