Welcome to the Apocalypse

Welcome to the Apocalypse – by Marc Brenman

I have doubted the Zombie Apocalypse meme for some time, lumping it in the same category as vampires, werewolves, and romance novels. But lately, I’ve started to doubt myself. I developed the idea of the Rule of Stupids and the Epidemic of Stupidity long before Trump was elected President. I could not, however, explain why the American people were becoming so stupid. For several years I have suffered being called all sorts of vile names on social media because I obsessively believe in logic, reason, evidence, and facts. Most recently those names include “sealioning,” I kid you not. Look it up.

Have Americans become stupid because of something in the water? Vaccinations? Gluten? Not receiving adequate trigger warnings? Not finding our safe space? Not being the best whatever we could be? Eating too many animals? Owning too many guns? Doing yoga? Riding bicycles in the windows of health clubs? Going to Evergreen College? Now I’ve found a simpler and more elegant explanation—the Zombies are eating our brains.


Yes, the Zombie Apocalypse is real. There is nothing you can do. Resistance is futile. A few of us are holding out, making our brains so poisonous that no Zombie will want to eat them. Feh! they will say when they smell that rotten overload of facts and those neuron connections called logic. Can you resist the Zombies also? It’s doubtful, alas. Can you give up all faux concepts? Can you stop saying, “Nobody is talking about Y!” when it’s obvious that by talking about Y, someone is talking about Y. Can you recognize that for every concept, like unearned privilege, there must be another concept, called earned privilege? Because otherwise, there is only privilege, and you’ve wasted an adjective. Can you admit that causality is a darn difficult concept, and that correlation isn’t it? Can you say, “I disagree with what you’re saying because Z” rather than saying, “You’re a monkey’s uncle!” Can you use a veracity filter before you “share” or retransmit a media story? Some of you can, and some of you can’t.


If you’ve found other ways to resist the Zombie Apocalypse, please let me know. Should I be wearing a bag of garlic around my neck? Or will that just make me tastier, sort of like that French cooking admonition that everything tastes better cooked in butter and garlic? Like snails. Thanks for thinking about this. If you can still think.


Yours for the duration,

Marc Brenman

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