Advisors, Authors A-H, Gender

Hey complicit men, if the shoe fits, wear it! – by Terry Howard

Warning readers!  This piece, written out of disgust, takes an unapologetic yet necessary swing at a deeply entrenched cultural double standard: victim-blaming of women accompanied by lack of accountability and general silence by way too many men. That said, understand that I’m going to be direct and will pull no punches about the hypocrisy of asking what a woman was wearing, drinking, or doing instead of holding perpetrators of her abuse accountable for their barbaric behaviors. 

Now before the ink is dry on a current issue involving the alleged rape of a female student at Cornell University – and before self-anointed “experts” weigh in with their opinion on whether it was  consensual or nonconsensual, I’ll set the stage by beginning with an annoying old question that keeps getting asked of women:

“Knowing that men are like that, why do women keep putting themselves at risk by going to      parties, fraternity houses, hotel rooms and spaces where heavy drinking mixes with toxic masculinity?”

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard that line and found myself in heated arguments because I consistently choose to believe women in “he said, she said” debates. Now for the record, I believed Anita Hill and still do. And beyond that, I’m still left sratching my head wondering why so many people – including women– interrogate the motives of women rather than the actions of men. Am I alone readers?

The “why did you…” question was the one aimed at now Professor Anita Hill by a committee of old white men, a couple of them themselves with questionable backgrounds on their treatment of women, during the contentious Supreme Court confirmation hearings of Clarence Thomas. Forever etched in my memory is the incredulous – “are you kidding me?” – look on her face when one senator had the gall to ask Ms. Hill, “are you a scorned woman?”  while his red-faced fellow senators squirmed in their seats and looked away from the cameras embarrassed by such an asinine question.

That was the question thrown at the women who met with Bill Cosby naively hoping to advance their acting careers, only to be drugged and assaulted by “America’s Dad.” 

That was the question posed to scores of women—many of them minors— who were preyed upon by the late Jeffrey Epstein and his circle of wealthy associates. Now unless I somehow missed the memo, the names of the men in the infamous “Epstein Files” have yet to be released. 

And today, that’s the exact line of interrogation facing “Jane Doe,” who filed a federal lawsuit accusing seven members of the Chi Psi fraternity of drugging and sexually assaulting her at a Cornell University house party. 

So, dammit, stop asking dumb questions. Stop asking why women were there.

The question we need to ask is: Where is the accountability for the men who abused these women? Why do we routinely permit predators to retreat into anonymity and move on to lucrative careers, summer homes on sunny beaches and European vacations —or see a Supreme Court justice puff expensive Cuban cigars aboard a luxury RV gifted by a billionaire patron—while victims sexual abuse carry lifelong trauma? There is something fundamentally broken in our culture. If you don’t see it, it’s because you don’t want to see it.

Watching Jane Doe’s attorney detail the avalanche of death threats directed at her and her family since she spoke out, and reading newspaper accounts of text messages between fraternity members encouraging others to join them for free sex, I found myself asking: What person in their right mind would willingly invite that kind of a public smear campaign if it weren’t the painful truth?  Now if you’re wondering why many rapes go unreported, well look no further.

So here we are, America, a decade or so past the “Me-Too” movement that resulted from the take down of serial sex abuser Harvey Weinstein, we’re seeing a “déjà vu” step back, a thwarting of what we deluded ourselves into believing that we’ve made progress. Sorry, but the cynic in me believes that once this scandal blows over we’ll just kick the can the road until the next scandal blows up, when another woman gets abused and another man, or men, walk away unscathed with their lives and careers intact. 

Now let’s make this personal. The truth is that we’re all often confronted with having to make decisions in the moment during which a choice we make can change the trajectory of our life and that of others. In a split second, we instinctively know what’s right, what’s wrong and knowing what’s right may nudge us to take the road less traveled, one that goes against the grain and risks us falling out of favor, losing some friends. But courageous acts can sometimes invite courageous acts by others. Conversely, silence can encourage silence by others whose voices are sorely needed to break the cycle of complicity.

So fellas, here’s the deal. The bet here is that there are scores of you who are feeling pangs of guilt about some of your and other men’s past behaviors toward women, perhaps when maybe you threw down a few cold ones with the boys and engaged in behaviors that today, if caught, would have gotten your behinds thrown in jail. But you went along to get along, didn’t you?

 Now to let you off the hook of accountability, if you weren’t present there yourself, you heard the rumors, the braggadocio on the golf course, in the bar, in the locker room and remained silent, didn’t you?

Regardless of your political affiliation, gender or anything else, this is not how any human being should ever be treated and under any circumstance. However, in the context of, say, fraternities, alcohol and drugs, men should be willing police the behaviors of other men. One does not have to go along to get along. It doesn’t take courage to do what’s right!

So, fellas, let me ask you this: would you tolerate your daughter, sister, or mother being treated that way? Would you demand immediate justice and accountability if it hit your own home? If your answer is yes, then how do you justify your silence when it happens to someone else’s daughter?

Truth is that the costs of regret and the burden of guilt are prices too high to pay. So if you’re looking for solutions you may want to consider the concept of “truth and reconciliation,” a restorative justice process designed to acknowledge and repair systemic human rights abuses or historical injustices between groups. Truth and reconciliation confession can relieve a person of guilt and cleanses the soul from past wrongs. Here’re some tips:

  • Confront the past honestly. Confide in a trusted friend, counselor, or spiritual mentor to unpack past complicity and commit to personal change. 
  • Show up as an active ally. Put your time, voice, and financial support behind organizations that assist survivors and advocate against sexual and domestic violence. 
  • Educate the next generation. Teach boys to reject pack mentality and group think. Equip them with the backbone to call out their peers and intervene whenever “the boys” begin crossing lines of decency and consent. 

Some might ask if I have an agenda for writing this. Yes, you darn right that I do. 

You see, I have a wife, a sister and four granddaughters. The thought of any of them being abused is intolerable. On top of that, as I look into any of those innocent faces, the very thought of, or an accusation of the word “complicit” next to my name because of my silence on the issue of abuse against girls or women, is an adjective I’m unwilling to bear. 

And guys, it should be intolerable to you as well. 

Well, does it!

Terry Howard
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